I read Jeremiah 29:11 one morning this week. Great plans! I wish I knew what they were. God declares he has plans to prosper and not to harm, plans to give hope and a future. All this for me and you, and mankind.

Generally, I find comfort in my daily practice of turning to scripture. This verse comes up a lot in my life. I think God is trying to tell me to not be restless, but to be assured. Yet, for me, not knowing is exhausting. And when I read this in my devotional journal, I was mad at God. I didn’t want to journal on that feeling, so I folded up the book and went on with my day. Anger with God is something new for me. Generally, I give God the benefit of the doubt. I trust Him when bad things happen. I rely on my faith in a loving God.

However, this vague scripture to not worry, just irritated me. How was I to not worry, when the future is not knowable. Like that young child who snuck around looking for presents in advance of Christmas or birthdays, I wanted to know in that moment! What does the future have in store? What is this hope? As a human who likes to be in control, I wanted to know what I was supposed to be doing to realize this great future.

I landed on living in the moment. Visiting those mindfulness tactics learned outside the church. Paying attention to my breath, listening to my body. Going on a walk and noticing the cold air making my face freeze knowing my cheeks were turning rosy. Back at my desk, I pulled out a work in progress, consulted the outline, and picked up the next section. These activities moved me through the day, but didn’t settle my frustration. The walk left me more restless; the writing was stiff.

I felt off all day. I felt angry with the not knowing. I went to bed, and admitted that I was angry at God. I said it aloud to my husband. I acknowledged my feelings of unrest. Then, I silently recited a rosary, not knowing how else to shake the feeling. As I went through the ritual, learned so long ago as a little Catholic girl, I felt sleep come over me.

The following day was easier. I’m still irritated by this scripture but anger doesn’t serve us. In James 1:19-20, we learn that the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. I sat listening for the whisper of God. For the message. For the direction and intention of my day. I’ll leave the future in His capable hands. I have fallen back into trusting. I am always willing to do my part. I will be quick to hear and slow to speak.

The future is not as important as to how I spend the day. Loving, caring, working, and trusting the Lord in all these efforts.